Saturday, December 15, 2012

Mental Healing

Today is the official start of my vacation. Normally I would try to sleep in as long as possible, but I was awake at 6:30! I was sick to my stomach. My heart was still aching for the families and friends of those who witnessed yesterday in CT and those who lost their precious babies and family members. If I, someone who no connection to these families, feel this way...what must those parents be feeling this morning who lost their child? I wish there was something I could do. I know from recent loss of a loved one...that there isn't too much anyone can say to help the hurt.

I can't help but put myself in the parents' shoes. I could not imagine my child having to be in his classroom and see his teachers and classmates being murdered and waiting in fear for the gunman to turn his way. These children were so young...most not knowing how to protect themselves. Too young to fully understand what was going on. I could not imagine the fear and confusion going on in their innocent little minds. I couldn't imagine if anyone did survive what emotional healing they would need after seeing such a horrific scene. I am comforted in knowing that they are still alive...in heaven(because I believe children that young go to heaven). I am comforted in knowing that they will never have to see evil or hear evil again. My prayer is that these families have this same comfort. It is the only thing that can get you through a situation like this.

An image of a husband and wife running into the school to hopefully go to get their child keeps playing through my mind. I didn't want to watch the news but it came on yesterday. I watched as this couple ran onto the school grounds with a look of fear and hope that their child was not harmed. Then moments later you see that couple carrying their child...who they probably haven't carried in a few years because he was past that age. You could see the relief in their faces..but still could see a lot of grief. I pray for those who were not able to get their child and comfort them and hold them. I know so many people yesterday held their own children a little longer and more.***FYI-Shane just came in as I finished that sentence and asked to sit on my lap. I have to say most of the time I say "no, mommy is writing or mommy is busy". Of course this time I welcomed the chance to have him cuddle with me:). He wanted me to warm him up...he said I was comfy...and also wanted a back rub..lol.***

I also can't help but think of the shooter. I think he took the cowardly and selfish way out. I have to be honest...in situations like this that end in suicide after innocent people have been shot...I always wonder why they just didn't take their own life first??? Mental Illness is being thrown around a lot. I am very sensitive to those who suffer from any mental illness. I have many family members who are bipolar and schizophrenic. I have always had compassion for those who suffer from a mental illness. In fact, two days ago, I looked into volunteering at a place who helps those who suffer from anxiety, depression, being bipolar and/or schizophrenic. Most people would say these people are crazy. That hurts my heart when I hear that. It is the same as someone who is mentally challenged being called retarded. I just hate that word. My interest and passion for those who are mentally ill stemmed from my own mental instabilities. I am not saying that I am clinically mentally ill...although The Hubs may say otherwise...but I do suffer from anxiety. It has been the worst this year. It has caused me to live in fear and constant panic. It comes and goes...but this year has been the worst. It started to get bad earlier this year...I got it under control through natural remedies and GOD. Really God first....then the natural stuff:). Then my father in law passed away and it started all over again.

I hate to make this tragedy about myself, but I really feel like God is pushing me(yes pushing) in a direction to help those who are mentally ill. I want to help kids and adults like Adam Lanza, so they don't feel like killing others and themselves are the only answers to the evil thoughts that dance around in their heads. Mentally ill people have allowed Satan to take rule over their thoughts. I wrestled with the idea of reaching these people. How do they even come to know and understand God's love? I thought of my own experience. I was saved at a young age and God has given me comfort in my moments of weakness. After struggling with panic attacks starting from around 3rd grade, in my Junior year I finally knelt down next to my bed and gave it all to God. And guess what??? He took it. It was not until about two years ago until I started up again with these panic attacks. I was not allowing God to take over my thoughts and was not allowing him to comfort me. I was left to my own thoughts of feeling not good enough...that no one liked me and that I was crazy! When you focus on these things that are not from God and allow fear to consume your thoughts that is when you can get yourself in trouble. That is when you do things that no other person who is right in their mind can comprehend. But.........there is hope and there is help. The hope is that you can lay all your fears aside and give them to God. It does require you to get your life right. Reading God's word is such a comfort and not just reading but knowing what God's word is saying and living out a life pleasing to Him. Praying often was also a huge help for me. I have always been shy...it sucks!!! I hate it. I have come to realize that being quiet is ok...but being shy..not so much. I think because being shy is a result of being fearful and that is not from God.

I was recently at a hockey game. The idea of getting involved in an organization that helped those with mental illnesses was fresh on my mind. I had trouble finding a faith based program...but God had put it on my heart to serve at a few different places. Anyways, I saw an ad on one of the big screens at the game, from a place in Rancho that specialized in helping those with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression...etc. I was so happy to see that they were available and around to help those in need. I questioned my own ability to help these people. I started in with the excuses of lack of time to help...itt was too far for me to help and so on. I checked out their website. I was really bummed to see that under their resource list that they were supporters of Planned Parenthood...waa waa waaaaaa!!!! That was a sign though for me that I needed to go into another direction and support a ministry here is Riverside and a place that shares the same views as I do. I emailed them and am awaiting to hear a response back so hopefully I can get plugged in there. It isn't a place that is specifically for those who suffer from a mental illness, but for people with addictions which is a similar evil to overcome. So...hopefully something comes from it. I think I may get more from it than those in the program:).

Yesterday was rough. I did not want to go hang out with anyone. Did not want to laugh...just wanted to be with my little man. I began to be fearful. I didn't really even want to go out. But that is what the enemy wants. He wants this to consume me with fear. The thought of home-schooling came about in my head. That thought has never popped into my head, because I am a horrible teacher and I like the little break I get:). I think that was fear creeping in. As parents we naturally want to protect our children...or at least that is what we should do. I could not imagine what those parents were feeling yesterday and days to come. They would give anything I am sure to be able to protect their babies. The teachers who shielded their students are absolute heroes. My flesh does not want to pray for the family of Adam Lanza, but they lost three people yesterday. I don't know if the parents had parents still living or siblings, but they too must be grieving. The brother Ryan went through a lot as well. I pray for his mental stability. May we be mindful of those around us who are hurting and struggling. May we treat others with compassion and get help to those who need it. Thanks for reading. Writing is my therapy. Words don't come out right when I speak them...so therefore I write.